Kargil war memorial : an experience

The vastness of Himalayas is itself enough to make you realise how negligible your existence is. And there at foothill of a mountain they call tololing , lies another monument which reminds you of that fact. This time even more painfully. Here you are at the Kargil war memorial.

There is so much i want to write about this place, but i am at loss of words... I mean, what do you call all those feelings? For once, I know i felt proud when i entered the gate. Yes you read the gleaming "forever in operations" slogan and the tall fluttering tricolour and you have a pleasant proud smile on your face. It slowly fades when you  see a documentary which narrates how the war and other events unfolded. And you get a sudden shock. What do you call that shocking kind of a feeling you get when you realise that this is not a war movie on screen...dude -this -is -real -war footage. And then one jawan tells you that you are standing in front of tololing and tiger hill and this is exactly where it happened. Man, you begin to see those soldiers infront of your eyes. What do you call that stirring feeling you get when you realise that those people have names and identities and families,  And they are so many of them. The jawan tells you how bravely they fought. How they cared for nothing but victory, not even their own life. You read all their names etched on a golden plaque. The jawan concludes the briefing quoting "shahidon ki chitao pe lagenge har baras mele, vatan pe mar mitnewalon ka yahi baaki nishaan hoga"... You know, you feel... What the hell do you call that pinch you feel in your gut? Hell, it hurts!

You try to spend some quiet time in the veer bhoomi praying for their souls. But no, there's no quiet. You can't stop the images playing in your head. "Param Veer Chakra" "vikram batra" "young officer" "tomar" "sacrifice" .... Words keep ringing in your ears. You leave the place feeling? Whats that feeling called?? When your head spins but still keeps in its senses? When you feel some weight on your heart and you have to make slight effort to breathe? Whats it called?

In the gallery, you cant move ahead after reading a letter from one soldier who has survived the battle. By now the tears have rolled down. I dont know what you call it when the pinch in your gut twitches on its own and you feel a deep hollow within you. What is it that you feel when you read a brave heart say that he feels 'lucky to be alive'.
Untill this point all those soldiers have been in the image of some kind of superheroes. And in this letter that superhero confesses his inner fears and loneliness. What do you call that flood of a feeling you get when you realise that superheroes don't exist? That these are humans displaying extraordinary courage and bravery?  What do you call that emotion- when you feel something crawl inside you- after reading about the tortures which lt saurabh kalia succumbed to? And about his superior who never returned?

You leave the place after a humble but proud salute and then there are some things you cant stop wondering about.
1. J&K police need to be paid a certain bribe by every vehicle at certain check posts. I wonder if they are unaware or they just don't care about the courage, grit, valour, commitment and discipline which is displayed at every camp around.

2. You go home to your 4 younger cousins who are spending their summer vacation playing computer games on 4 different devices for almost 6 hours everyday. I wonder if they'll appreciate the stories of my trip even if i forced it on them. I wonder if our next generation will even grow into team minded people, let alone soldiers.

3. Why aren't there more war memorials? Or text book  lessons? Or such gross negligence and indifference?

4. Why does surmewali burkha dutt (who has a place at the memorial in media section for covering it on tv) speak like she has forgotten about those days of her life??? I wonder.