Please send help

I have changed. Work life has changed. The work has not changed, but people around me have changed. Situations are different. The events are same, but the reactions to those events, which in turn create the situations, have changed. I do not know how to deal with them. I feel lost. It all struck me in the face- like BAM! When I was not ready for it at all. 

I came back to office after the maternity leave and suddenly, I have turned into “that aunty of office”. You know, that aunty who arrives late at work, that aunty who is the first person to leave office. That aunty who does not want to work beyond office hours, not even for a minute! Moreover, the one who gets ‘hyper’ and ‘frustrated’ if she must stay beyond office hours and work?

Nobody has said this to me. But I feel like that is what is being said without actually saying it. Mostly because, before the maternity leave, I looked down upon all these actions as unprofessional aunty-like behavior.

I don’t like this image of myself in the eyes of my younger colleagues. Again, it is very different when the younger colleagues are girls. At least I can say, “I’ll wait to see how you handle this!” (In my mind of course) and try to ignore. But when they are men, (they are mostly man-children) it feels helpless. Different. Alienated. Because well, they will probably never handle it!

I find myself questioning – ‘why am I doing this?’

‘To earn decent money’

‘Why is it so difficult to earn money? Like why must one break a part of themselves to earn money? Like break a back? Break a neck? Break a heart? (Or two?)’

‘But I have a maid at home to look after the baby’

‘But the maid has kept her baby at home to come to her job. She is also breaking a heart (or two) to earn money’. She has, in fact, arrived at work late and she has not had breakfast yet.’

Why her? Aunties in offices often make themselves a cup of tea or are found near coffee machines first thing after they arrive.

But Aunty has made sure that the dependents (and not- so-dependents) are well fed, and forgot to feed her self in the bargain. She needs to reach office on time. WHICH SHE DID NOT after all!

She has brain fog. She forgets names and dates. She has lost her charm.

She drives meetings, thats work. But she doesn’t laugh at jokes. For some reason, jokes are not funny anymore. Or maybe she doesn’t understand them- or maybe she doesn’t relate to them, or may be she is just old. So, she has no friends at work. Only colleagues.

Sigh! So, that is the situation we have here. How do we deal with it? ‘Like a queen’. ‘like a bosslady’. In style, and with grace. But how?

Am I the only one feeling this way, or do all new moms feel like this? And how are you dealing with it? Please send help.